In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

And so it comes to pass that resolutions fail, and fail quickly, no matter how lofty or open-ended they may be. I lasted all of three days, and what did it get me? A few words, a few search results, another blip in the annals of history adding to the clutter: unessential, unloved, unmourned.

Okay, so I guess it's no secret that I was feeling kinda down today. Granted, I had my reasons: the job search is as frustrating as ever, and it is (was) Monday after all. Earlier I couldn't stay awake, and now that night has come I find sleep nearly impossible. Thus the cycle is set to repeat itself, and I'll wake up feeling tired again tomorrow to prepare for another sleepless night. It's not that I dread falling asleep, really. I guess it's more that I dread getting up with so little to look forward to.

I don't think I'm the kind of guy who's defined by his job, but a job fills the time, gives it structure. In fact, I feel as though I could accomplish more here at home if I actually was working during the day. The trick is finding work that doesn't feel like a waste of time, which is harder than it sounds (though right now finding any job whatsoever is pretty darned hard to begin with).

Also keeping me up are thoughts of death, as usual. It's not that I fear the great unknowable of What Comes After, though. It's more that I'm terrified of leaving this earth without having exercised my true potential. But does that feeling really happen to people? That sudden etherial voice saying, “You did good, kid,” and making it all worthwhile? If it does, it can't possibly be the kind of thing that happens too often. So why should I expect it to happen to me? I guess deep down inside I have this compelling need to believe that life isn't arbitrary; it's the only thing that keeps me going, really.

But high standards are a good thing in the long run. They're no good without discipline and perseverance though, and that's where I need to start picking up the slack. How does that work? You can't just say to yourself “Self, be more disciplined!” and have that be the end of it. It needs a shift in perspective, a reason to hope. But I have plenty of good things in my life; shouldn't they be enough? Is this all just selfishness and vanity (which I guess would explain why it's appearing in a blog)?

All I know is that I can't depend on outside forces. That's a lesson I started learning a long time ago, but it's still sinking in. My biggest crutch is still the Internet. How truly unfortunate it is that my greatest source of productivity is also my greatest distraction! I've spent far too much of my days sitting right here, staring at this screen, but at the same time I can't see a practical way out of it. Computers are my world now, for better or for worse. Surely there are more destructive vices in the world, but it's still something I've got to overcome: the sooner, the better.